Hey, Eden fans! Iris here. Yes, that Iris. The annoyingly loveable guy from Pop Star who had all the plans in the world to take over and steal the show.

Eden tried to put a gag order out on me, but I’m a persistent asshole, so we came to a deal. She promised to let me head up my own SERIES!

Apparently, like, Trav is also important to this idea or whatever, but we’re focusing on me. Because, well … *Gestures to my hard muscular physique that can only come from working out like a machine and chasing down bad guys in shitty situations.*

Yo, peeps, my eyes are up here.

I know a lot of people have asked about me and some dude named Ryder. Or maybe another guy from Eleven. But … I’m going to say this as nicely as I can: I only worked for Harley for a short time, and I was bored shitless. I mean, I was so bored I contemplated doing my taxes to cheer me up. TAXES, people. Do you know how many times I polished my guns? How much jerking off I did? Please note I did not do those things at the same time as tempting as it was. Could you imagine that disaster? I like my dick where it is thank you very much.

I have mad respect for those famous guys and all the shit they put up with in their lives, but looking after someone in the spotlight is not my idea of fun.

I like sneaking around in the darkness under a cloak of invisibility. And unlike Harry Potter, I can do it in plain sight. I don’t need an actual magic cloak. What I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people … no wait, Copyright issues. All you need to know is I’m a motherfucking badass, okay? I can’t go around living the life of a celebrity. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have the looks to pull it off, but do you know how hard it would be to kill people when there’re that many eyes on me? I can see it now:

“Hands up, motherfucker.”

“Oh my God, are you THE Iris? I LOVE YOU.”

Wouldn’t work.

Just … no.

I need action and adrenaline. I also never plan to settle down like dumb as bricks Brix. Kids? Fuck that. Marriage? HELL FUCKING NO. It’s not going to happen. My book will be full of me doing awesome stunts and badass things and NO LOVE. It’s true. Eden and I made a deal. Right, Eden? Fuck love and all that?

…

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Eden?